U.S. Warns It's Time To Distract Everyone's Attention Again

Desperate for ways to distract the American public for the abject failure of the Bush Administration's policy of invasion and occupation in Iraq and in light of the failure of President Jesus Bush's speech to convince anyone he has any clue about what he or anyone in his Administration is doing about it, Attorney General John Ashcroft told a news conference today that al Qaeda are sure to attack the United States "sometime" in the future, citing "credible intelligence" that the bad guys are sure to be up to something bad behind our backs any day now.

"Incredible intelligence, from nearly every source known to man and our crack intelligence service which has never been wrong yet, indicates that al Qaeda plans to attempt an attack on the United States sometime," Ashcroft, fresh from his war on internet bong sales, announced. "This disturbing intelligence indicates al Qaeda's specific intention to hit the United States hard, like an Antonio Tarver crushing left hand knocking out Roy Jones Jr, or something equally devastating, so watch out!"

Ashcroft said he had no information on where or how any future attacks might occur. "We aren't fortune-tellers, after all. That would be the work of the devil."

He even had this terrifying poster of very scary looking terrorists types who are running around on the loose all over the world at this very moment just waiting for the chance to destroy God and America in one blow.

But he said Al Qaeda -- blamed for the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks -- has declared preparations for an attack on the United States were nearly complete like a chef ready to reveal the four course meal.

Ashcroft, who held the news conference with FBI Director Robert Mueller, said al Qaeda may hope another attack might draw a response like that after the March 11 train bombings in Madrid. Those attacks influenced Spain's election and led to withdrawal of Spanish troops from Iraq.

"Al Qaeda may perceive that a large-scale attack in the United States this summer or fall would lead us to smarten up and vote against former Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar too," he said. "Several upcoming events over the next few months may suggest especially attractive targets for such an al Qaeda attack, like every time myself or President Jesus Bush draws a breath."

Upcoming events include the opening the new Walmart in Tugupta, Mississippi; the Group of Eight Satans summit in Sea Island, Georgia in June; the Fourth of July holiday, the Fifth of July which isn't a holiday exactly, but COULD be an important date, regardless, and of course, the Democratic and Republican Party conventions in Boston and New York at the end of the summer which we be filled only with honourable people who don't deserve to die at the hands of craven, Godless terrorists.

Mueller urged Americans to be particularly alert in the coming months. "Keep your eyes and your ears peeled for strange activity kids. If you think your neighbor is a terrorist, do like the brave American forces and kill him or her or his or her children, especially if they are holding some sort of evil terrorist wedding party or worshipping in a mosque," he said. "Unfortunately, we currently do not know what form that threat may take because we are making it all up in order to distract you from the REAL source of all your aggravation and dissatisfaction, the terror campaign of President Jesus Bush."

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said there were no plans to raise the color-coded terror alert level, which is currently set at "yellow" -- the mid-point of the five-point scale -- for an "elevated" risk of attack. However, as always, everyone will be encouraged to buy plenty of duct tape and plastic sheeting.