Bush: Prison Scandal Is A Fiction

WASHINGTON -- The abuse of Iraqi prisoners by American military guards is "a story made up by terrorists, thugs, and murderers: complete fiction" and will not deter America's mission to bring destruction to Iraq's "criminal element", President Bush pledged Saturday.

The president said the murder, rape, abuse and sexual humiliation of prisoners in Iraq's notorious Abu Ghraib prison "the result of the active imagination of our enemies" and should not reflect on the thousands of U.S. military personnel "who are serving and sacrificing in Iraq."

"Our mission in Iraq will continue," Bush said in his weekly radio address. "Killing in the name of Jesus and Democracy been berry, berry good to me."

"We have no intention of leaving the nation at the mercy of thugs and murderers. We're determined to help build a free and stable Iraq, a nation that loves Jesus as much as I do and is at peace with its neighbors and with the world," said Bush.

Bush, who earlier in the week apologized for the abuse of the Iraqi prisoners that didn't happen just in case it might become too confusing to contemplate the vast differences between Saddam torturing and murdering Iraqis and Americans torturing and murdering Iraqis, indicated that punishment arising from the prison incident will go beyond the seven members of the Army Reserve's 372nd Military Police Company already charged by the military.

"We will learn all the facts and determine the full extent of these fictions from reading the Bible" said Bush. "Those involved will be identified. They will answer to Jesus for their actions." He said all prison operations in Iraq will be reviewed "to make certain that nothing hypocritical, like torturing and killing Iraqis to save Iraqis from being tortured and killed by Saddam instead, are disgraceful incidents never to be repeated because they never happened in the first place."

Bush reiterated the photographs of naked prisoners being humiliated by U.S. soldiers "were the work of terrorists, thugs, and murderers photoshopping innocent pictures to make brave American soldiers look like sadists and murderers instead of the real sadist and murderer, the evil dictator, Saddam Hussein."

"Saddam is a stain on Iraq's honor and reputation," said the president in his radio address. "You are getting veeeery sleepy..."

Noting that only 700 Americans have died in Iraq, Bush said, "We still have a long way to go to show the true character of America."

Despite "a difficult few weeks ... our forces will stay on the offensive, finding and confronting the killers and terrorists who are trying to undermine the progress of democracy in Iraq," said Bush.

Yeah, we're gonna wup 'em good.

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Top Ten Things About The Czech Republic That Had To Be Kept Secret Before Joining the EU via the incessantly interesting The Daily Czech


10. The name for Mission Impossible was invented when 10 crew trailers were stolen in Prague.
9. John Kerry's ancestors were Czechs. [Oops, this secret's out already]
8. Eighty-five percent of all Czech Windows XP installation CDs were produced in a garage of a guy named Skippy.
7. Fifty U.S. expats named Bush living in Prague, whose IQ is triple as that of George W. Bush.
6. Chinese restaurants are almost exclusively owned by Vietnamese.
5. Incident in Three Mile Island several years ago was caused by a Czech intern who spilled a cup of coffee.
4. Carmen Sandiego lives in Prague and works as a hooker.
3. Czech beer is the only one that doesn't have to be hidden in a paper bag.
2. In order to improve the U.S. budget, the U.S. government recently sold the whole Rhode Island to Czechs.
1. George W. Bush's ancestors, Adam and Eve, were Czechs

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'I Feel Terrible We Got Caught'
Excerpts from opening remarks by Donald Rumcake

Excerpts from Defense Secretary Donald Rumcake's opening remarks before the Senate Armed Services Committee in Washington on Friday:

"I feel terrible that people with cameras had to go and let the world know what happened to these Iraqi detainees. They are human beings, but Iraqi human beings. Not even real human beings actually, but thugs and criminals and terrorists. They were in U.S. custody. Our country had an obligation to treat them right. We didn't, and we got caught. Getting caught was wrong."

"I deeply regret the damage that has been done. First to the reputation of the honorable men and women of the armed forces, who are naively, courageously and responsibly and professionally defending a few families' freedoms to make enormous profits from war mongering across the globe. They are truly wonderful human beings. And their families and their loved ones can be enormously proud of them. They were really brave. It takes alot of courage to abuse your fellow human beings but Iraqis are not really human. They are beneath human. More like human excrement. But they should have Democracy anyway. Because not all Iraqis are human excrement. Some of them are worthy of being our puppets.

"To ensure we have a handle on the scope of this catastrophe, I will be announcing today the appointment of several senior former officials who are being asked to shuffle more papers and pretend to examine the pace, the breadth, the thoroughness of the existing investigations and to determine whether additional investigations or studies need to be initiated so that we can make studies of studies of studies and toss so much paperwork and phony investigations that we can bury the issue at hand altogether"

"I'm seeking a way to provide appropriate compensation to those detainees who suffered such grievous and brutal abuse and cruelty at the hands of a few members of the United States armed forces. We think they should have an extra half hour of electricity per week and be allowed to put their clothes back on. It's the right thing to do."

"There are many more photographs, and indeed some videos. Congress and the American people and the rest of the world need to know this. In addition, the photos give these incidents a vividness, indeed a horror, in the eyes of the world."

"Mr. Chairman, I know you join me today in saying to the world, judge us by our actions, not our words watch how Americans, watch how a democracy deals with the wrongdoing and with scandal and the pain of acknowledging and correcting our own mistakes and our own weaknesses. See how real power remains untouched. See how scapegoats are made. "

"We say to the world, we will strive to do our best, as imperfect as it may be, so long as doing so benefits the elements of our Administration. Now we can add torture and abuse to our war crimes list"

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In case you were wondering, according to What turns the land of Kama Sutra on:

"Never mind that India's first outing in the global sex league showed it to be the third most chaste country on the planet. And never mind that Indians languished near the bottom of the league table when it came to the number of times a year they had sex (116,while the French led with 167). Never mind too that only a 17% sliver of Indians agreed it would be bliss to jump into bed with an attractive date on the very first night."

No wonder the population of India is so small and increasingly at risk of disappearing.

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No longer beating around the Bush, The Economist demands Resign Rumsfeld. They dedicate their entire cover to it.

"Moreover, the abuse of these prisoners is not the only damaging error that has been made and it forms part of a culture of extra-legal behaviour that has been set at the highest level. Responsibility for what has occurred needs to be taken?and to be seen to be taken?at the highest level too. It is plain what that means. The secretary of defence, Donald Rumsfeld, should resign. And if he won't resign, Mr Bush should fire him."

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Well, it looks as though Ajaria is once again a vacationland paradise. Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili imposed direct presidential control over the region on 5 May 2004. Hours later the Ajarian leader Aslan Abashidze resigned, ending more than a decade in power by flying, with his family, to Russia.