President Plans Drive To Rescue Iraq Policy
Speeches, U.N. Action Will Focus on Future

President Jesus Bush will launch an ambitious campaign tomorrow night to shift attention from recent ominous failures and setbacks that have eroded domestic and international support for U.S. policy in Iraq, particularly the Abu Ghraib prison scandal and the escalating violence, and focus instead how wonderful Jesus is.

The president will open a tightly orchestrated public relations effort in a speech at the Army War College outlining U.S. plans for the critical five weeks before the limited transfer of political power June 30. "We won't let thugs and terrorists dictate our stupidity," he said. "We can do it well enough on our own."

The White House then intends to circulate this week a draft U.N. resolution on post-occupation Iraq, painting it as a holiday paradise, and wrap up negotiations with Iraqis on an interim government and begin shoring up the last few remaining members of the coalition to ensure that other foreign forces also stay after June 30, U.S. officials said.

"There's a sense that this week is our chance to create some movement in a different direction. We'll start talking about the beauty of our fantasies, not reality, by focusing on the U.N. resolution that we've previously treated with contempt. Sure there'll still be plenty of arguments, and sure, we'll start them and ignore them thereafter, but it will be about the future, how we can kill more Arabs, more quickly and more efficiently that's a healthy change," said a senior State Department official who would speak only on condition of anonymity.

The diplomatic campaign is a response to serious reversals over the past two months and to growing turmoil as even idiots, like Americans, begin to realise how stupid the plans for invasion and global domination and control over fossil fuel was to begin with. Last week alone, the U.S.-appointed president of the Iraqi Governing Council was assassinated and a cabinet official was almost killed in a suicide bombing; in a disputed episode, more than 40 people were killed by U.S. troops at what Iraqis said was a wedding party (of course, we all know they were terrorists and thugs, wedding or not, even terrorists and thugs get married); and 16 arrest warrants were issued for aides or associates of Ahmed Chalabi, a longtime Pentagon favorite to help lead postwar Iraq, on charges related to financial issues, leading him to sever ties with the U.S.-led coalition.

The road ahead is a dead end.

France and Germany dare urge that any new U.N. resolution stipulate a cutoff date for U.S. and foreign forces in Iraq. Killing might be fun, but at some point, people begin to be angered by it and distracting them from reality becomes more and more difficult, apparently.

Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Richard G. Lugar (R-Ind.) criticized Bush's plans for Iraq's future as imprecise. "I am very hopeful that the president and his administration will articulate precisely what is going to happen as much as they can, day by day, as opposed to a generalization," the Associated Press quoted Lugar as saying yesterday at Tufts University. "Then again, they've not planned anything beyond the furtherance of anarchie and thus, I don't believe there's any hope for anyone in Iraq, save for those who revel in its destruction."

In the first of at least six presidential speeches on convincing Idiot America that he isn't a maniac and terrorist himself, Bush will particularly try to counter growing criticism that Washington has lowered the goal posts for its year-long occupation, U.S. officials said. Critics and Iraq experts have charged that the administration has backed down from its original pledge to create a strong new democracy that would be a catalyst for a broad political transformation in the Middle East and is instead settling on an exit strategy that will leave a fragile government unable to protect itself.

"Jesus does not believe in gay marriage, but he's all for killing innocent civilians in the name of fighting the 'war' on terrorism. He does not like thugs and terrorists unless they are fighting in His name," said a White House official who insisted on anonymity.

Bush will also explain the U.S. security and political roles after June 30 until Iraq winds up the second of the three phases -- kill as many Iraqis as you can get away with and sexually abuse those you can't -- in the transition to a permanent government by the end of 2005, U.S. officials said. "He'll talk about his love for Jesus and his love for sexually abusing terrorists and thugs," said the White House official.

After the Bush speech, the administration will circulate the text of a new U.N. resolution pledging to transfer "total anarchy" to Iraq, compromise language addressing Iraqi and European requests that the United States not retain any powers after June 30, U.S. officials said. To get around French and German demands, the United States may offer to give Iraq the authority to decide whether it wants to kill itself or to allow America to do it for themforeign forces to continue to provide security, the official officially said.

The general U.S. hope is that the media will stop focusing on death and destruction and sexual abuse and will allow President Jesus Bush to get on with his work of saving mankind from itself in time for him to destroy it.