dinsdag, januari 21, 2003

Time Killing Miscellany

Probably foolish, but I decided to look further into Google and check out their "NEW" Google tour. In and of itself, the Google tour proved far less fascinating than I was hoping. Certainly not worth the price of admission. Perhaps the only thing that remotely piqued my interest was Froogle, the new product search service from Google, which you're supposed to use to find the best deal on exactly the model of whatever you want to buy.

So I tried five different product searches and here's what I found out about the world and its products:

Search #1: Frog's legs...fully expecting a wide array of imported, smoked frog legs or gourmand's frog leg recipe books, imagine my surprise to find not only the Suzanne Somers Simulated Emerald/Clear Frog Ring but that it was SOLD OUT. What?! Next stop, the Surreal World. Because it was sold out, I couldn't even get much of a product description so I had to revert to a regular old Google search to find out more. And yes, it's true, Suzanne Somers has fallen hard from the unparalleled summits of Three's Company to the basements of Bargain Junction, some sort of online bargain warehouse. I wasn't able to find the damned emerald frog leg ring anywhere but did find out that there isn't much as far as crappy costume jewelry that Suzanne Somers won't put her name on to hawk. The other thing I noticed right away was that all the reviewers/buyers were from the South as if the internet had suddenly made it to the trailor parks of America. Makes sense though. Who else would go online to buy an inflated $18 Suzanne Somers faux-emerald frog ring?

Search#2: Human Flesh...figuring of course, on exacting a pound of flesh or perhaps a few lost items from an embalmer's table. Instead what I get is the enigmatic Force Fed On Human Flesh, an album by a band called Gorelord. Gorelord plays something called "Gore Metal" which I at once realized had nothing to do with Al and Tipper's kinky sex lives and instead is a paen to insane, hideous & blood-soaked death metal with groove-based elements incorporated in the musical nightmare. I'm wondering how come the Live with Regis and Kelly show hasn't booked Gorelord as a musical guest yet. Maybe Gorelord could do the soundtrack for a President Bush Press Conference someday...I guess what I like best about Gorelord is their original Top 40 title tracks like "Crushed Skull On Christian Shoulders", "Dismembered Virgin Limbs" and "Necrophilic Orgy In Entrails & Cum". Hmmm. And they say MTV has ruined music. Tsk. Tsk.

Search #3: Saddam Hussein. Of course, no online merchandise purchase inquiry is complete without a search for Saddam Hussein. In fact, I think no official of the White House Inner Circle is allowed to go more than 34 seconds at one time without uttering Saddam's name in yet another in a long line of "final" warnings so, in a way, this was my token patriotic search. You'll be happy to note that the free market gurus at a company called, originally enough, "America" are offering Saddam Hussein Toilet paper for a mere $7.95 per roll with "wipe out Saddam" printed below each photograph of Saddam on each square. Ingenious.

Search #4: Weapons of Mass Destruction. The way I figure it, Saddam has plenty of weapons of mass destruction and just doesn't want the UN inspectors to find them because then he can't resell them on the global online WMD superstore at an inflated price. Instead, what I found was the G.I. Joe Mopp Marine. Now, if you're like me and haven't been assiduously updating your G.I. Joe doll collection, you probably wonder what the G.I. Joe Mopp Marine has to do with weapons of mass destruction or what the G.I. Joe Mopp Marine is for that matter. Well, first of all, M.O.P.P. is an acronym for Mission Oriented Protective Posture. Apparently, over the years, G.I. Joe dolls have come under fire from new and more powerful weapons of mass destruction which pose an even greater threat to them than before. As such, given the natural predilection doll owners have for preserving their dolls, the demand grew for dolls with protective gear that could be donned with incredible swiftness and which did not hinder their combat abilities too greatly. That was reason for the birth of the M.O.P.P. doll. The beauty of course, is in the disclaimer noted by the manufacturer, just so we know the lads at Entertainment Earth are not overt racists or anything: "Please note: the ethnic variation is randomly packed; consequently the item received may be Caucasian or African American." It's a comfort I couldn't have slept without.

Search #5: Terrorists. Seemed like a logic follow-up since everyone is combing the earth to find them...believe me, there were plenty of books and videos available about terrorists. Even terrorist action figures but since I didn't want to take the chance they'd be shipped to me in a box full of anthrax, I decided against it. In the end, I settled for the Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy video. What do maniac nurses have to do with terrorism? Plenty, you'd be surprised. You see, in this video, Ilsa and Sabrina are a mother/daughter team of lesbian nurses with sadomasochistic tendencies who, with their compatriot Greta, enjoy luring unsuspecting strangers back to their remote clinic and subjecting them to various homegrown tortures. Could it be considered terrorism? I dunno but with a price of less than ten bucks, I can't wait to find out.

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