Time Traveler Busted For Insider Trading

"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be." Paul Valery (1871 - 1945)

I can't imagine how this escaped my attention, even with a quickly failing war blaring at full volume, but Federal investigators arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges who claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256.

The investigation began because the 44 year old Andrew Carlssin had an uncanny success in the stock market: he started with $800 and in only two weeks' time, through a flurry of 126 high-risk trades that came out a winner every time, he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002.". Perhaps he's just another one of those things the Bush Administration makes up to justify the invasion of Iraq. I can just hear it now, Bush getting on national television again and telling us: "Not only is Saddam an evil dictator, but he's forcing innocent people to travel through time in order to steal money through illegal traded methods to fund future terrorism!"

While this story was initially released through Yahoo almost two weeks ago, not another word about the progress of the investigation has been written by anyone. No major news agencies have picked up the story and there have been no time travel advisories from U.S. Department of State. The USNO Master Clock has not been restarted to update the Global Positioning System used to fire missiles on Baghdad. It's as if the story is being hidden to protect us.

For those of you who like the idea of going back in time and making gazillions of dollars, Future Horizans offer time machines which contain schematics and diagrams of various devices such as the Biotronic Oscillator and Atlantean Generator which can be used for physical and out of body time travel.

Personally, if I'm going to travel back in time, I'm going back to some night on October 5th or 6th, 1945 (George W. Bush was born on July 6, 1946) and stop George Sr. and Barbara, in the moment before their fateful coupling by reminding them that abstinance is the 100 percent effective way to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. If that doesn't convince them, I will show them photos of the future, photos of the alien son their loins will produce if they don't stay away from each other.

Of course, if Barbara Bush would have shown the same compassion for the world that Saddam's mother tried when she knew she was pregnant: abortion or suicide, the world would be a much safer place right now.