How I Will Spend My Bonus Money

The Great Liberator George W Bush signed into law yesterday a $79 billion package to pay for the war in Iraq, which, among other things, provides $4 billion to tighten homeland security protections, including $2.2 billion to help local governments meet rising costs of sending police, firefighters and other "first responders" to terror threats.

Through the formula currently used by the Office of Domestic Preparedness which initially provided 600 million total, New York, considered one of the states most at risk of a terrorist attack, was to receive a $26.5 million allotment, which came out to $1.40 per resident. This doesn't even buy me one roll of duct tape. By comparison, under that same formula, Wyoming got $9.78, Vermont, $8.15 and Alaska, $7.97. The national average was $3.29.

So really, this added $2.2 billion is a real boon to those of us living in NYC. With the added money, now I might be able to buy a roll of duct tape and a beer to wash away my fears and disillusionment.

Maybe New Yorkers should ask the White House to liberate us from the tyrannical despot Mayor Buffoonberg. Look at what the recently-liberated Iraq is getting: $2.5 billion as seed money for their post-war restoration. That's more than all of the states in America are getting combined to protect themselves. Or maybe we should move en masse to the country of one of our allies since out of this new war budget, about $8 billion in aid is going to reward allies, including Jordan, Egypt, Afghanistan, Israel and Pakistan. It pays to be a member of Coalition of The Willing. Even the slumping airline industry got their fingers into the honey pot, nabbing $3 billion for their troubles, proving once again that near-fatal mismanagement of your finances gets a thumbs up in the Bush Administration.

Truthfully, we don't even need the extra money. Just yesterday Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge lowered the nation's terrorist alert threat level yesterday from orange or "high risk" to yellow or "elevated risk," and government officials said one reason for the action was that hostilities in Iraq are coming to a close. Oh wait, that's everywhere except New York. We're having such a good time spending our $1.40 allotment, we just don't want the party to stop, I suppose.

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Back in Baghdad, the Coalition Forces have issued a message to the "liberated" citizens of Baghdad in the interests of their safety which include the the polite requests to:

1. Please avoid leaving your homes during the night hours after the evening prayers and before the call to morning prayers.

2. During all hours please approach Coalition military positions with extreme caution. Make it as clear as possible to the forces manning those positions that you are not a threat.

It's a funny thing, this democracy the Bush Administration is establishing in Iraq. Protesting against the establishment, (in this case, the US Military) gets you killed, much like it did in the days of the evil dictator Saddam. Even if you protest in a market, you get killed by US forces. I'd say this is quite an improvement over Saddam actually. During the evil dictator's reign, you were tortured and then killed. Under the new democracy, you just get killed. You've got to admire that American spirit of efficiency. It's a pretty convincing argument for keeping your mouth shut and hiding in your house all day and night.

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The Daffy Don's Busy War Week
"Public servants are paid to serve the American people. Do it well." Donald Rumsfeld

The American Forces Information Service reports that during a special concert performed by War Hillbilly Darryl Worley, the Defense Department's senior leaders reacted well to the pro-war warbling. Air Force General Richard Myers applauded heartily, and in a rare show of emotion, a red-eyed Rumsfeld twice took off his glasses to wipe away tears. Next thing you know, they'll be squeezing blood from stones over at the Pentagon. Nevertheless, the event provides us with some unique insight on how Daffy Don is handling the war effort.

Here, the Daffy Don looks as though his month long battle with constipation is about to come to an end as he tightly grips the edges of his custom-made folding chair/port-a-potty unit during Worley's performance and here we see him holding up the evidence of all the WMDs the United States military has discovered in Iraq to date.

"Now, it's been called a pro-war song," Worley told Rumsfeld, Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the Pentagon crowd about his little ditty. "If that means that I support my president and the conflict that we just took care of over there, then I guess that's what it is if that's what it has to be. But it's a whole lot more to me. It's a pro-America song. It's a pro-military song."

I'm glad someone finally came out and admitted it. This must be like someone in the German American Bund singing Deutschland Deutschland Uber Alles back in the 40s.

If that wasn't enough to keep the Daffy Don festering in his own patriotic drool for weeks, his appearance at a Washington Wizards game for Michael Jordan's final home game two nights ago should have been.

Last year, Jordan showed his support of The Pentagon Relief fund when he donated his entire 2001-02 $1 million salary to support Pentagon relief efforts. In return, the Daffy Don came in person to present Jordan with a flag that flew over the Pentagon on the first anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks. That's a pretty damned expensive anniversary flag.

Jordan and Rumsfeld then shook hands and chatted briefly, one egomaniac comparing cliff notes with another. Of course, Mike want to watch his back now. It wasn't all that long ago that the Daffy Don was shaking hands with Saddam Hussein and pretending to be chummy.

But the Daffy Don had his fun, no doubt. Here he is again, this time at Michael Jordan's final home game as a basketball player, opposite Jordan, courtside, giggling like a schoolgirl. Note not everyone finds the spectacle as entertaining as the Daffy Don: check out former President Clinton's close friend and adviser Vernon Jordan (no relation to Michael) to the left and the concerned look on the face of sports agent David Falk to the right.

Now that I think about it, I think I'll donate my $1.40 homeland security dividend to the Pentagon. Maybe I can get one of those crocheted minature US flags out of the deal.