maandag, maart 17, 2003

Ready, Set, WAR!

With the UN resolution withdrawn and Citizen Bush preparing to address his nation of war zombies, it appears our days of apocryphal peace are over. Therefore, it is now, almost-officially, time to prepare for war:

Although officially a biproduct of the first Gulf War, here are some highlights of the Iraq War Drinking Game whose rules are still applicable, with a few changes, to the coming war:

If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change the channel except during scud attacks

A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase "ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first person to grab the shot gets it.

Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a judgement call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel.


Getting my vote for most bizarre anti-war lyrics is the Beastie Boys with their new single In A World Gone Mad:

Mirrors, smokescreens and lies
It’s not the politicians but their actions I despise
You and Saddam should kick it like back in the day
With the cocaine and Courvoisier
But you build more bombs as you get more bold
As your mid-life crisis war unfolds
All you want to do is take control
Now put that axis of evil bullshit on hold


Considering that today, St. Patrick's Day, the consumption of a seemingly noxious green beer is very popular, what color should the beer be for the coming War?

Well, considering the rampant speculation that this is a War for Oil, the first possibility is of course, a beer the color of crude oil. For this, you might try Xingu who produces a black beer which derives its color from using a variety of black-roast malts from South American grown barley but can equally serve to represent the Texas Tea America's troops will be out killing and dying for.

Of course, if this isn't graphic enough for you, there's always the option of red beer which of course, represents the bloodshed of war.
Bottoms Up!

To go along with that beer, maybe you might like to have some pretzels:

A French website is urging people to send pretzels to US President George Bush, who fainted and fell off a sofa in January 2002 after gagging on the salty snack.

The clearly anti-war Daily Mirror, just 3 days after running their Prime Monster cover of a leering, ghoulish Tony Blair, today equates the Big Three of the quasi-comical Azures Summit (the only location the White House could find without enough humans per square mile to muster a decent anti-Bush protest) with the three chimpanzees who hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil. I think the chimpanzees should complain.

Lastly, in the event you think this war isn't going to cause problems for innocent people, in Malawi, sex workers are considering a price increase for their services due to other price increases triggered by the fear of war with Iraq.

If that isn't bad enough, CBS is concerned that the looming war will get in the way of their very profitable coverage of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. CBS' coverage could be interrupted, disrupted or completely eliminated, depending on what happens in Iraq. "A lot of options are out there," a CBS spokeswoman said Sunday."We're still working on contingency plans.". Am I the only one who finds it strange that while American troops will be out slaughtering Iraqis, a major American network's primary concern is their coverage and advertising revenues for a collegiate basketball tournament? What a country.

DT's idea for a new Viacom/CBS reality show: Let's take Viacom President Mel Karmazin and his family, as well as Viacom Chairman and CEO Sumner Redstone and his family, and send them to Baghdad to watch their gloriously profitable NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament from one of Saddam's soon-to-be-dust-and-rubble palaces. We can call it "Television Executives and Their Families Die For Their Love of Money" and broadcast it in place of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. Certainly this sort of real-life struggle would generate more advertising revenue than a bunch of college kids playing a basketball tournament which will generate an estimate $17.1 million of revenue and yet nothing for the kids themselves.


Nevertheless, for all we know, within a week, even the greedy little war machine of the Bush Administration will have to take a backseat in the news to the mushrooming global health threat which, on its present course, may even outdraw the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament! Either way, this week promises to be one hell of a rollercoaster ride of fateful events. Good luck and hold on to your hats.

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