The Mother of All Tests
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." -- Abraham Lincoln

Yesterday, the British Government set out the "key tests" that Saddam Hussein must pass in order to avoid war. Although to date, no formal response has come from Saddam, Desultory Turgescence believes the tests are too soft and, with the approval of the Pentagon Warlord Donald Rumsfeld, we have embellished the original "key tests" to ensure that such tests are difficult enough for Saddam that he will think twice about messing with the United States again.

1. A public appearance by Saddam Hussein, broadcast in Iraq, in which he is dressed in a buttery soft, rayon Jersey Peasant Maternity Top and Black and White Pom Pom Capri's Perla stretch twill pants and admits possession of weapons of mass destruction, stating his regime has decided to give them up and pledging to cooperate with UN weapon inspectors. He should also admit that he keeps a President Bush poster in his bedroom and wears a God Bless America tee-shirt under his pajamas at night.

2. A commitment to allow Iraqi scientists to be flown to an unnamed erotic Costa Rican resort for a week-long sex vacation during which time they will be interviewed by massage parlor madams and female escorts regarding Saddam's possession of weapons of mass destruction.

3. The surrender of, and explanation of the 10,000 litres of anthrax the Iraqis are believed still to be holding as well as the surrender of, and explanation of the several thousand inflatable Fatty Patty love dolls believed to be in one of Saddam's palaces.

4. A commitment to the destruction of proscribed missiles as well as the mass destruction of weapons of mass destruction which, if undestructed, could lead to mass destruction. Saddam should also demonstrate a commitment to embracing Jesus Christ as his savior and should name President Bush as his favorite political philosopher.

5. An account of the unmanned aerial vehicles and remotely piloted vehicles or drones as well as information which may lead to the destruction of any remaining Chrysler K-cars which could be used to frighten and emotionally scar little Iraqi children from ever wanting to get their drivers licenses and could be used to discourage the import of American made automobiles in Iraq for years to come.

6. A commitment to surrender all mobile bio-production laboratories for destruction as well as a commitment to insight and self-awareness and a willingness to attend the Premiere School of Self-Improvement and Professional Modeling for a minimum period of 20 weeks.

As we know, in the event Saddam should fail to pass any of these key tests, our White House Warlord George W. Bush, is already busy on the phone with swing vote nations like Chile, Mexico and Angola to push a compromise proposal that U.S. and British officials believe could begin to break the impasse at the U.N. Security Council.

Failing that, well, as Daffy Donald Rumsfeld already advised the world yesterday, he doesn't need Britain or any one else to kick Saddam Hussein's ass. He'll do it himself.