I'm Sorry Ari But We Need A Little More

"But think about the implications of what you're saying. You're saying that the leaders of other nations are buyable. And that is not an acceptable proposition." Ari Fleischer, February 25, 2003 White House press briefing.

It would be quite possible for Desultory Turgescence to devote itself solely to the insidious sophistry of its favorite White House houseboy, the philistine contagion of deceit and circumvention of Ari Fleischer. A daily comb through the text of his press briefings alone could produce a virtual encyclopedia of malicious revilement of the principles of democratic openness too voluminous to register by mere humans.

His lack of candor, whether by Presidential dictate or sheer obstinance, is, as Russell Mokhiber and Robert Weissman point out, too much to take any more. If you read the daily text of the White House press briefings, you see an expanding hostility in the questioning, a perpetuating pugnacity in the reporters themselves, many of whom appear to have grown weary of this thimblerigging of the truth.

But perhaps it is all a haute comédie the average peasant is to unsophisticated to understand. By example, from yesterday's press conference:

QUESTION: "Ari, how much is this war going to cost?"

MR. FLEISCHER: "That will depend on a number of factors, many of them up to Saddam Hussein and to Saddam Hussein's henchmen. If Saddam Hussein and his henchmen do not follow orders, if they don't follow their orders from Saddam Hussein, that can lead to one scenario. And so it is too soon to say with precision how much this war will cost."

What? Listening to Ari Fleischer's responses is like pulling the cord of a Mrs. Beasley doll. I think she had a gamut of about 10 different prerecorded phrases that were repeated over and over no matter how many times you pulled her cord. Ari Fleischer is very similar. No matter how many times and how many different ways a specific question is asked, he delivers the same, patented reply:

Ari, what's the weather going to be like today?
That depends on Saddam Hussein and his henchmen.

Ari, what color are your eyes?
It all depends on whether or not Saddam Hussein fully complies with UN resolutions.

Ari, do you love your mother?
I think this question is best addressed to Saddam Hussein because he has failed to disarm and I cannot be responsible for what happens should he continue to violate the terms of the UN resolutions and fails to disarm.

Ari, do you believe in God?
That all depends on whether Saddam Hussein follows exactly what the Security Council has mandated in the 17 different resolutions.

Actually, it's quite possible that Mrs. Beasley has more response options at her disposal than Ari Fleischer.

*****
The question I would really like to see addressed these days is where is my payoff?

I see that countries like Turkey, Jordan, Israel, Kuwait are demanding payoffs to support this war against Iraq. The cost of buying a coalition is getting exorbitant. Even countries like Angola, Cameroon, Chile, Guinea, Mexico and Pakistan are getting in on the act, not to mention what that timely show of support from the "New Europe" is going to cost in the end. The United States is sending billions of taxpayer dollars to countries like Spain and Turkey, where more than 90 percent of the people oppose the war. We bribe their governments to turn against the will of their own people.

Doesn't the Bush Administration want Desultory Turgescence's support for the war? If so, they'd better prepare themselves because it's going to cost them. If a country of slackers like Turkey can get a multi-billion dollar aid package just to consider helping the United States, imagine the kind of aid package Desultory Turgescence has coming to it for its unwavering editorial support for such a haphazard and jumbled war effort as the one currently being birthed out of the Bush Administration.

And while we're calculating all of that, I'm going to work on some new phrases for Ari Fleischer to repeat, attempt to expand his vocabulary beyond the simple parroting he has already clearly mastered. In addition, I'm going to teach him how to take his concentration a step further than simply repeating a mantra by showing him how to concentrate on his breathing. With time and practice I'm sure we can increase the amount of time Ari can exist in this peaceful state of meditation and get his mind off of his unhealthy obsession with Saddam Hussein.