Private Jessica Lynch War Hero Superstar to Launch Book for a Million Bucks

Since the return of Supergirl to her humble hillbilly town of made-for-tv Palestine, West Virginia, Jessica Lynch, a 20-year-old former Army supply clerk has been propelled to celebrity status and awarded several service medals for her ability to survive a car crash in Iraq.

Of course, the story of "How I Turned A Car Crash In Iraq Into A Million Dollars" doesn't appear to be as marketable as tabloid publishers would like so instead, she will tell her amazing story in a book co-written by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Rick Bragg. A source close to the negotiations told The Associated Press that Lynch and Bragg will split a $1 million advance, with any royalties going to Lynch for "I Am a Soldier, Too: The Jessica Lynch Story." Pshaw. What a lame title for a heroine like Supergirl, Jessica Lynch. It's almost as if the publishers are trying to downgrade her status so as not to frighten off potential buyers who fear they might be blinded in the presence of Ms. Lynch's Christ-like luminescence even if it is only a few words on a few pages.

Ok, let's quickly slog through the obvious punchlines:

When Private Lynch returned to her trailer park in West Virginia after being held in a hospital as a "prisoner of war" by Iraqi doctors and getting "rescued" by American troops, the Pentagon claimed that she couldn't answer any questions about her fascinatingly fabricated escapade because she suffered amnesia. This was supported by her doctors at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, who also said it was unlikely she would remember the events of her capture.

Good news for Jessica. She doesn't NEED to remember anything because the co-writer is none other than Rick Bragg, a former New York Times journalist who resigned from the paper in May after he forgot to attribute material from a freelance writer that he used in a series of articles.

Between the two of them, they could fabricate an entire encyclopedia of great journalistic stories:

How I Killed Saddam And Saved Humanity From Satan And Certain Death, by Jessica Lynch.

How I Made Peons and Unpaid Interns Write All My Stories At The New York Times and Then Pretended To Be A Big-Shot Writer, by Rick Bragg.

How We Made Millions Making Up Stories About Adventures We Never Experienced, by Jessica Lynch AND Rick Bragg.

"I'm sure she went through a lot of hell, but so did the other guys,"said Dale Stitzel of Carlisle, master of the understatement, was in the Army in 1945 and 1946. Stitzel said Lynch's story was "blown out of proportion."

In July, she was awarded the Purple Heart and the Bronze Star, one of the nation's highest awards for meritorious service and her superhuman ability to remember intricate details of her life despite amnesia. This is the first time a soldier was given a Bronze Star for surviving a car crash and staying in a hospital for nine days.

That recognition lessened the medal's value, said Charles "Chick" Morris, of Harrisburg, a Marine during World War II and the Korean War.

She "merely awoke one morning in an Iraqi hospital and was rescued," he said. "She may be a very dedicated young woman, but I don't think [that] rates the attention of a Bronze Star."

Rumor has it that the book will claim not only that Jessica uncovered a billion Weapons of Mass Destruction and ate them all to save the planet Earth from certain destruction at the hands of Saddam Hussein but also that while in the hospital, she secretly located Saddam Hussein and killed him, eating his body parts one by one to stay alive during her ordeal.

"No claim is too fantastic," Rick Bragg was alleged to have said. "Jessica Lynch is almost superhuman in her will to live and her bravery and her unmitigated ability to save Planet Earth time and time again from destruction at the hands of evil dictators."

A spokesman for the publisher, Alfred A. Knopf, said Lynch's book is due out in mid-November.

Call From New-Look Heaven: Jesus Says "Send Us More Murderers To Martyr!"

According to this world's first talking bowel movement, Paul Hill, a former minister who gunned down an abortion doctor, said he feels no remorse and suggested the state will be making him a martyr when he becomes the first person executed in the United States for anti-abortion violence.

"The sooner I am executed ... the sooner I am going to heaven," Hill said in a jailhouse interview. "I expect a great reward in heaven. I am looking forward to glory. I don't feel remorse."

What is it about loving Jesus Christ that makes people want to kill so bad? There's this loser, and then, on an even larger scale, there's President Jesus Bush running around telling everyone that in order to liberate the Iraqis you have to kill thousands of their civilians and destroy their country in the name of Jesus and Democracy.

It's a wonder anyone even bothers to worship Satan any more when they've got Jesus as a handy excuse for all their killing.

Even President Jesus Bush's brother, Jeb Bush, the governor of the Holy Land called Florida where poor Mr. Killer for Jesus will be put to sleep, has somehow horned in on the act. Abortion-rights groups worry that Hill's execution will trigger reprisals by those who share his steadfast belief that violence to stop abortion is justified. Several Florida officials connected to the case received threatening letters last week, accompanied by rifle bullets.

Gov. Jeb Bush, who was named in one of those threatening letters, said Tuesday the threats would not keep him from carrying out the law.

"I'm not going to be bullied," the weaker Bush said, inflating his flat chest, shoving his junkie daughter and immigrant wife, Aye Columba, out of the way to underscore his point.

Bush also said: "I'm not going to change the deeply held views that I have on (the death penalty) because others have deeply held views that disagree. I totally respect them. I love them. I love killing, in anyone's name, in any state, for any reason. And they should respect what the rule of law is here in our state, which is kill or be killed"

It just proves the point that God Hates America and we should kill him too. Certainly Donald Rumsfeld is strong and brave and heroic enough to do the job.