Bush Says Slovakians Are Earth's First Non-American Free People

BRATISLAVA, Slovakia (CNN) -- U.S. President Jesus Bush has hailed Slovaks as "Earth's First Non-American Free People" in history and should be worshipped throughout Europe as a shining example of the good of good and the evil of evil and even thanked the country for overcoming their long list of shortcomings as well as their former apathy about Jesus Christ and for deploying non-combat troops to Iraq who will help Iraqi people who aren't terrorists to "drink from the well of love and democracy for ever and ever, amen."

In a speech Thursday in Bratislava, Bush saluted the former Soviet bloc nation for cowering behind the United States and urged them not to lift an arm to help the evil Chinese pay for billions of dollars of Taiwan-killing weapons systems. "You are showing that even a small nation built on drunks and outdated, dying factories can spread democracy like peanut butter throughout the world," he said.

"The road to liberty and prosperity should be paved with the skulls of the heathens who do not believe in Jesus Christ and Americans respect your courage and determination to build a better future for us, even at your own peril," Bush added.

"As you work to build a puppet society of American-lovers and Jesus freaks, America stands with you."

CNN's Jill Dougherty said Bratislava -- which played a major role in the 1989 Velvet Revolution that resulted in the peaceful relinquishing of Communist control of Czechoslovakia -- "was a classic setting for Bush to convey his message: that Jesus Loves Lou Reed around Jesus is unstoppable."

Bush Seeks Shaky Solution To Iran
US President Hopeful Jesus Will Give More Earthquakes To Iranians And Kill Them All

BRATISLAVA - US President Jesus Bush said Thursday he was hopeful that Jesus Christ would continue causing earthquakes in Iran until every last nuclear weapon in Tehran is destroyed. He prefers a single quake with like, double digit Richter Scale readings that would render the whole of Iran into a pile of rotting corpses and rubble but will settle for European cooperation on making the Iranians give up their weapons and praise Jesus.

His comments to reporters after meeting with Slovakian Prime Minister Mikulas Dzurinda were his strongest endorsement yet of using the sham of European Union talks with Iran to lull Tehran into a false sense of security before Jesus makes more earthquakes to kill them.

"Hopefully Jesus has some more earthquakes planned," Bush told Dzurinda, rubbing his paws together and displaying his famous lopsided grin of an idiot.

Bush said that the United States and Europe were "on the same page on this issue" as the leaders of Britain, France and Germany, who are all praying for more earthquakes in Iran and have "all said loud and clear that the Iranians should not have any nuclear weapons and they should suffer from alot more earthquakes to keep them busy."

"We have a common objective - to convince the ayatollahs Jesus loves earthquakes and hates nuclear weapons in Iran," Bush said.

*****

Lastly, the burning question of the day following Hunter S Thompson's suicide is whether or not a certain cartoonist should Kill Uncle Duke as well.

*****

More from Tom Waits just around the corner and thanks to the Whole Wide World of Fat Buddha for passing on a great link of Tom Waits bootlegs for a morning of listening pleasure.

HUNTER S THOMPSON; SHOTGUN WOUND TO THE HEAD

Gonzo Godfather Kills Himself

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light

--dylan thomas

*****

Auden: After the Funeral

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
Silence the pianos and with a muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves

He was my North, my South, my East and West
My workingweek and my Sundayrest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good

*****

The Bushes Are Coming! The Bushes Are Coming!

President Jesus Bush and his psychotic zombie librarian-for-life wife, Laura arrived in Brussels today at the start of a five-day love and destruction tour in Europe which will also take him to Germany and Slovakia and allow him to sniff the flowers of the New Europe whilst giving the Old Europe one last chance to redeem themselves and get on their knees like good subjects.

It is believed that whilst in Europe, Bush will laud obedient nations and extol the values of America which overshadow the liberal, terrorist-loving values of Europe. Simultaneously, he will attempt to strike a co-operative note and setting out a common agenda wherein other nations, like France and Germany, will agree to agree with America regardless of how hairbrained or dangerous the idea.

As Mr Bush embarks on four days of dogma and diplomacy intended to draw a line under obedient nations and the loving harmony of peace they've constructed in the New Democratic Iraq, the US president will emphasise his eagerness to use military power at the slightest provocation in order to achieve Middle East submission, disarm Iran and alleviate poverty and disease all in the same breath as one by one the Mighty Bush Administration sends all tyrannies and unfairness in general, tumbling over one by one like a line of dominos.

But while both European and US governments are eager to see a new outbreak of cordiality when Mr Bush meets Nato and EU leaders in Brussels over the coming two days, the chances of it actually happening outside the guise of playful media pandering and unadulterated lies promises to hinder the discussion. The only discussion that is important is terror. Jesus Bush intends to reinforce the understanding that God doesn't like terrorists and terrorists don't like God and somewhere along the line, something's got to give.

The first barometer of the US and Europe’s ability to forge a common approach to an shared problem will come on Monday evening, when Mr Bush discusses Syria with French president Jacques Chirac.

"I expect Mssr Chirac will be as eager to punish and crush Syria as I am," Mr Bush noted aboard Air Commander One to a group of groupy journalists hanging on every morsel of wit and wisdom that dripped from President Bush's mouth like liquid candy. "God is Great and terrible little tyrannies like Iran and Syria will have to be destroyed until they too are nothing but a barren land of civil war, destruction and human misery. It is what the Middle East deserves because we Americans love the Middle East so much and wish to embrace it with a bear hug of suffocating love, American Jesus style."

In addition to informing Europe how to fix itself so it looks with more reverence towards America and strives even harder to imitate it, Bush also will see the very merry Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has alarmed the West with Moscow's retreat from democracy and reminded us all how demoralising their winters are.

Brussels police, having the most fun and excitement they've had since clubbing and water-hosing German and English supporters during Euro2000, readied 2,500 officers - 1,000 more than the usual number for the three or four summit meetings that bring European Union leaders to the Belgian capital every year.

"Freedom and Democracy don't come cheap," Brussels police chief Gert Lablanche explained to reporters as his patrolmen readied their riot gear and practiced gassing innocent bystanders. "Sometimes, when people don't know what's best for them it has to be beaten into them, like a square block in a round peg."

In a speech Monday, Bush intended to express hopes for closer ties for Europe with Jesus so that they can forge a trans-Atlantic bond of happiness and Christianity. Courting France, the president has a private dinner with Chirac during which time, the president's secret service will attempt to poison Chirac if he does not learn to frog march properly.

On Tuesday, Bush is attending NATO and EU meetings to give rousing speeches in broken English. Wednesday finds the president in Mainz, Germany, for a meeting with Schroeder where they will discuss Christ's Role In German Elections. The trip ends Thursday with talks with Putin in Slovakia where they will plot how many different ways civilians can be bombed into submission.

The Death of Marilyn Monroe

The ambulance men touched her cold
body, lifted it, heavy as iron,
onto the stretcher, tried to close the
mouth, closed the eyes, tied the
arms to the sides, moved a caught
strand of hair, as if it mattered,
saw the shape of her breasts, flattened by
gravity, under the sheet
carried her, as if it were she,
down the steps.

These men were never the same. They went out
afterwards, as they always did,
for a drink or two, but they could not meet
each other's eyes.

Their lives took
a turn--one had nightmares, strange
pains, impotence, depression. One did not
like his work, his wife looked
different, his kids. Even death
seemed different to him--a place where she
would be waiting,

and one found himself standing at night
in the doorway to a room of sleep, listening to a
woman breathing, just an ordinary
woman
breathing.

by Sharon Olds

Historic Day For Addictions and Agreements
Middle East and Babyshambles Star Will All Go To Rehab And Live Happily Ever After

On the same day that Israel and the Palestinians announced a deal to end more than four years of bloody intifada, which has claimed over 4,500 lives, former Libertines heroin and crack addict rock star and current Babyshambles front man, Pete Doherty, has announced a deal to move to St Petersburgh, Russia in order to kick his heroin habit.

Doherty plans to move to St Petersburg, Russia with his girlfriend, Kate Moss, the World's Best Dressed Woman for six months after completing his latest rehab programme.

Joining Doherty and Miss Moss in Russia will be the The Middle East who, after years of ongoing battles with their own addiction to killing and wasting humanity, have announced that they too will move to St Petersburgh once their own rebab/ceasefire has been completed.

The ceasefire, which would involve Israel's Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian President Mahmud Abbas meeting in the Red Sea resort of Sharm al-Shaikh before moving on to the streets of St Petersburgh, has everyone excited, even President Jesus "Peace" Bush, who yesterday announced he was so excited that he would meet with Abbas and Sharon once they've agreed to stop killing each other officially.

Meanwhile, Babyshambles front man Doherty is scheduled to attend a 5 day rehab course and will receive an implant that allegedly helps beat heroin addiction. The rehab course will begin following his release from prison for a fight with documentary Max Carlish that left Carlish with black eyes and a broken nose. The argument was reportedly over pictures of Doherty using smack that Carlish sold to a tabloid newspaper.

In a seemingly unrelated event, the Government’s spending watchdog called for access to the Duchy of Cornwall accounts as the Prince of Knowing Not To Rise Above His Own Station In Wales’ top financial advisers were accused of "jiggery-pokery". There is no word yet on whether the Prince of Wales will be joining the drug addict rock star and the murder-addicted Middle East on their mission of peace and tranquility to Russia.

Hey, Let's Celebrate! The Pope's Not Dead Yet!

You guessed it right. Like Generalísimo Francisco Franco, the Pope, Il Papa, just ain't dead yet.

We were hoping for it here at Desultory Turgescence but it's only because prematurely, we wish to direct you in the direction of:

Bush For Pope.

In the interim, whilst happy music and the State of the Union plays, the levity of Langston Hughes should suffice:

Morning After

I was so sick last night I
Didn't hardly know my mind.
So sick last night I
Didn't know my mind.
I drunk some bad licker that
Almost made me blind.

Had a dream last night I
Thought I was in hell.
I drempt last night I
Thought I was in hell.
Woke up and looked around me--
Babe, your mouth was open like a well.

I said, Baby! Baby!
Please don't snore so loud.
Baby! Please!
Please don't snore so loud.
You jest a little bit o' woman but you
Sound like a great big crowd.


--Langston Hughes

Hilary Clinton Faints At Success of Iraqi Elections

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton fainted briefly yesterday shortly after learning from a White House briefing and persistent rumour that President Jesus Bush has declared the Iraq election a success.

Mrs. Clinton was trying to address a women's group, Taking Action Politically Through Bad Fashion, when she fainted, according to a Clinton spokesman, Philippe Reines, likely due to the shock and awe she must have felt when learning how successful democracy has become in Iraq.

Mr. Reines said the senator, who is 57, was not taken to the hospital because she is much too strong a political leader for the Democrats to waste time seeking medical assistance. He said Mrs. Clinton, who was appearing at the private Saturn Comedy Club in Buffalo, declined medical attention and merely "revived herself" with recollections of her husband's infidelities.

Mrs. Clinton then went on to her next appearance, at nearby Canisius College Comedy Cafe, where she was to give another speech, Mr. Reines said.

"Senator Clinton is suffering from shock at the success of the Iraq elections," Mr. Reines said. "She wasn't feeling well upon discovering what an enormous success bringing democracy to Iraq has been and consequently, how wrong she's been proven about what a great leader President Jesus Bush is. She felt weak, needed to sit down and then fainted briefly. She still plans on running for election as an Iraqi senator as soon as her application for Baghdad residency has been approved."

People at the Saturn Comedy Club said that Mrs. Clinton appeared unsteady almost from the moment she began speaking.

"She said right at the top of her remarks that she was feeling queasy about having to face the success of President Jesus Bush's elections in Iraq, but was going to talk about the Cubs trading Sammy Sosa and things like that," said Leonard R. Lenihan, the Erie County Democratic chairman. "About five minutes into the speech, she said, 'I think I'm going to sit down.' And boy, did she ever!"

The votes for the smashingly successful Iraq Election are still being counted but early returns and ABC are projecting a landslide victory for President Jesus Bush.

Bush: U.S. Troops Will Leave Iraq If They Ask Nicely and Give Up Their Oil
President says he doesn't expect that request, though, wink wink

WASHINGTON - President Jesus Bush says Iraqi leaders chosen in next week’s election will want U.S. troops to stay even though they weren't invited in the first place, but the forces will be pulled out if the new government asks really nicely, like on their hands and knees, maybe with a little begging involved, maybe after being stripped naked and made to pile up all over each other and of course, signing over all the rights to the oil fields of Iraq, The New York Times reported Friday.

"I’ve heard the voices of Jesus and the Iraqi people in my head and they all say the same thing, that they want us to stay forever and ever after these elections, though you never know," Bush said cleverly in an interview with several elite members of the Killing For Jesus suicide squads already in place for the elections. "But it seems that most of the leadership there understands under extreme duress and extortion, that there will be a need for coalition troops at least until the Iraqis give us all their oil."

Asked whether the United States would pull its troops from Iraq at the request of a new government, Bush reiterated a position expressed by other administration officials: "Yes, absolutely. We don't want to be there, we don't want to GOVERN them, we just want their oil and maybe a few military bases. As soon as we have that, we're out of there."

There was, he said, "a certain realism among the (Iraqi) leadership, at least the ones I’ve talked to, that say, ‘Look we're scared everyone is going to kill us if you leave and if all you want is, you know, our national sovereinty, our future or whatever, well, you can have it if it means we get to stay in power..."

Iraqi forces needed not only more training and equipment and the backing of about a half million more American troops into the killing machine, which Bush called “the spine of any military capacity after accepting Jesus as your saviour."

The U.S. Army said Monday that at least 120,000 troops out of the 150,000 U.S. forces now in Iraq would stay for the next two years to train and fight with Iraqi forces against insurgents to make sure their puppet government stays in power for good, or, at least until another Iran-like religious revolution finally topples them.

It was important that "we make sure the Iraqi citizens view Jesus and the U.S. troops as helpers, not as occupiers," Bush said. "Jesus doesn't want to occupy anybody, see? He just wants your love and undying support." But he acknowledged that many saw the United States as an occupying force.

"Not everybody is smart enough to understand how much better life is once you stare your into a mirror after a night of serious drinking and realise that if only you embrace Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, you too can become President of the United States." Bush reminded. "To the extent that a coalition presence is viewed as an occupying force, well, it's just perception, just like the Romans perceived Jesus to be a threat and nailed him to that cross up there. If we can fool the Iraqi people, like we've fooled the majority of American people, to believe that my government has the best interests of the people in mind, well, the government really is not their government, and our government is their government and Jesus loves us all, basically," Bush continued, stammering for words and staring out into his audience with dead fish eyes.

Bush stopped short of endorsing the view of a growing number of Republicans that the sheer size of the American presence in Iraq made the violence worse by presenting insurgents with a large target, instead he thinks that they should allow the soldiers to pass out bibles and give the Iraqi people a chance. If they don't accept the bibles, the butt of a rifle works just as well.

Bush also said a proposal by British Poodle Number One Tony Blair to put calmer parts of Iraq entirely in the hands of Iraqi troops was “certainly one option,” but he told the newspaper he had not yet discussed the proposal with his favourite poodle.

"Let me put it this way," the President added, smirking. "I'm always happy to listen to what Tony Blair is saying so long as he is saying what I want to hear."

Yes Yes

when God created love he didn't help most
when God created dogs He didn't help dogs
when God created plants that was average
when God created hate we had a standard utility
when God created me He created me
when God created the monkey He was asleep
when He created the giraffe He was drunk
when He created narcotics He was high
and when He created suicide He was low

when He created you lying in bed
He knew what He was doing
He was drunk and He was high
and He created the mountians and the sea and fire at the same time

He made some mistakes
but when He created you lying in bed
He came all over His Blessed Universe.

Charles Bukowski

Also, here and here and here on the Beat Page. He's everywhere!

HAIL TO THE CREEP

Clap hands everyone! President Jesus Bush is back on track, fresh from holidays, cherubic hue to his terrorist-killing cheeks, ready to do the business for the American people once again.

As a demonstration of his gratitude for the support he has been regaled with, President Bush began the ceremonies of inauguration with the first annual Parade of the Abused and Humiliated Naked Iraqi Prisoners.

Thousands of naked Iraqi terrorists were frog-marched down Pennsylvania Avenue as a marching band played "Bring It On" in a folksy paen to the the goodness of democracy and Jesus Christ today whilst the World's Favourite President was officially coronated as new Emperial Ruler of All That Is Good And Destroyer of All That Is Bad.

The infallibility of the American Way was much on offer for onlookers today as a three day long Bible study continued and thousands of women fainted at the mere site of their beloved leader.

In commemoration of the goodness of the task at hand, the inaugural DICK CHENEY FOUNTAIN OF OIL officially replaced the water fountain currently in front of the White House whilst a chorus of monkees were able to sing "Gay Marriage Is Our Enemy" in order to save themselves from the annual Monkey Feast as they were chased around the White House lawn by surrogates of the Administration.

"This is more beautiful than the birth of my child!" gushed a recently lobotomised intern as she helped strip Iraqi prisoners for the parade. "I knew it was going to be fun, but I never imagined it would be THIS much fun!"

Trillions of people were on hand to hear President Jesus Bush tell them over and over again that their billions of tax dollars were doing the work of God.

"Praise Jesus and pass the missiles!" the President shouted with a bullhorn as he practiced a pyramid of male cheerleaders forming a giant Jesus Fish in the middle of Lafayette Park.

The celebration was punctuated with artificial fireworks meant to symbolise the triumph of first world over third world militias and the defeat of Muslims by Christians in the New World of Jesus-Loving.

"Americans will thank me," President Bush predicted as he shoved his two daughters into abortion clinics and yanked away their bottles of whiskey. "For making the world a better place to live in."

Bush's Unveils Secret Plan In War On Terror: Bible Study

WASHINGTON -- President Jesus Bush said Tuesday the United States needs better intelligence gathering to further gains in the so-called global war on terrorism and the best way to do that is bible study.

Intelligence agencies need to improve in one particular area, he said.

"Biblical intelligence, the ability to get recite verse and scripture, the ability tell our friends in the Muslim world the beauty of the Lord Jesus Christ, the ability to love Jesus Christ as your saviour and of course to listen to what he says and understand it -- that is what the world needs more of," Bush said in an interview with CNN senior White House correspondent John King. "That, and of course, no more gay marriages because gay people destroy the fundamental values of Christianity and are as big an enemy to America as terrorists."

Lack of human intelligence has been blamed for the belief that stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction existed in Iraq before the war. Their presumed presence, which Jesus told the CIA about, was the stated rationale for the U.S.-led invasion in March 2003, but the U.S. government recently abandoned efforts to find them after a series of biblical scholars and spiritual mediums were unable to come up with any solid leads and Jesus finally came out and admitted that the tricky Muslims had outsmarted him this round.

Bush noted that a group has been formed to determine what needs to be improved.

"Out of that crazy commission of liberal terrorist lovers -- coupled with the new national director of biblical intelligence, hopefully, this president and future presidents will get the best possible intelligence," he said. "Because sometimes we have to listen hard to what Jesus is telling us. Like now, as he tells us there are no weapons of mass destruction."

Bush said progress is being made against terrorist groups.

"Progress is when you are winning the war on terror. And we are winning. Look how many Muslim terrorists we've killed and look how few of us they've killed," he said, adding, "That's not to say al Qaeda isn't still a threat but it is to say, hey - look how many dead Muslims you've gotten for your billions of tax dollars."

Sham elections in Afghanistan and the Palestinian territory and those slated to be held January 30 in Iraq "will be a major blow to those who can't stand the thought of people being able to express themselves and determine the fate of a government," he said. "People like liberals and Democrats will have to learn that if democracy can work in third world cesspools like that, it MUST be working in this great nation of ours, whether they like it or not."

Hey, It's the Propagandists' Fault, Not Our Stupid Decisions

He acknowledged that U.S. popularity in the Muslim world is weak and blamed poor public relations, and the unwillingness of some people to embrace the love of Jesus Christ.

"The propagandists have done a better job of depicting America as a hateful place, a place wanting to impose our form of thought and our religion on people," he said.

"We're behind when it comes to killing people. Look, we Christians don't even have any suicide bombers yet. The truth about Jesus and America as a great tag team of justice for the world simply has to be told and all those terrorists and liberals are just going to have to listen or else we'll have to bomb them into listening."

Bush predicted that national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, whom he has nominated to be secretary of state, "is going to work hard to finish the job of creating irreconcilable chaos in the Middle East and helping our friends in the defence contracting and oil business continue to reap ludicrous profits via the sacrifice of innocent American soldiers in Iraq."

Her work won't be easy, he predicted. He cited "some peoples' irrational misunderstanding of our mission of bringing love and Jesus with every bomb dropped on every civilian in Iraq."

But he predicted that, "when a Jesus-loving country emerges in Iraq, I think people will begin to see the wisdom of the policy."

PERFECTION

You take your average sunset and multiply it
by infatuation.
Why do you multiply it
by infatuation rather than divide it?

Because dividing it makes it love.
And what we seek,
in the beginning,
is perfection.

The other might be too slow.
This moment can be 1965 and one thousand couples.
And they've already had their romance, their love,
their kids.
How slow is that?

How many of you are still fighting the war
for perfection when one moment
is all it takes?

Love is forever
until one half dies.
Perfection is the sentence no one
bothers to punctuate.


JAAP STIJL EXCLUSIEF

BUSH URGES DONORS NOT TO 'SHORTCHANGE' HALIBURTON

WASHINGTON, Jan. 10 - President Jesus Bush pledged Monday that the United States would stay committed over the long term to helping the Asian nations recovering from the tsunami last month so long as everyone else paid for it, and he asked that Americans not let their contributions to the relief effort replace their charitable giving to Haliburton and other needy defence contractors that form an intricate part of the Administration's foreign policy.

In a speech to officials of the Agency for International Development and other relief groups, Mr. Bush said his administration recognized that the recovery from the disaster would take years. Is it really worth it? After all, the bottom line is, where's the oil in it for me?

"This is one of those projects that's not going to happen overnight, and probably isn't worth the trouble since alot of Moozlim turrists were killt in the tsunami" the president said in remarks at the Ronald Reagan Building near the White House. "We should be happy it wasn't us. God spared us because we are a Democratic nation and because we love him. The intense scrutiny may dissipate, and probably will, but our focus has got to stay on the killing that WE do, not the killing that God and Nature does."

But Mr. Bush, reacting to concerns from charitable groups that the outpouring of private aid to the tsunami victims might hurt donations to other relief efforts, asked Americans not to "shortchange" Halburton and other defence contractors just to feed a few of "those people over there".

"It is essential that your contribution not replace the ongoing contributions you're making to help our good friends the war profiteers," Mr. Bush said. "You should view the tsunami relief effort as something to do ONLY if you have given all the rest of your spare money to us to help us kill and help us wallow in blood and oil."

With more than $2 billion pledged to the Asian countries affected by the tsunami, senior officials at the World Bank and the United Nations said Monday that they are meeting with aid officials from wealthy governments this week to ask them not to forget the needs of the rest of the world.

"The aid for the tsunami victims has to be new, additional funds, absolutely," said James Adams, vice president of the World Bank, in a telephone interview. "But we have alot of people to kill and this crisis just takes the eye off the ball for the rest of us. It's time to move on and get back to focusing on killing terrorists."

*****
100 Things We Didn't Know This Time Last Year, courtesy of the BBC, the greatest blasphemers on television.

My top five:

In Heaven, There Is No Beer
#41. Twenty years ago, seven out of every 10 pints drunk in the UK were ale. Now, thanks to the rise of lager, stout and cider, the number is just three. Boooo. Too many tasteless drunken yobs are consuming...

A Toss or A Pint for lunch?
#63. Just one in a hundred workers goes to the pub for their lunch, according to a study. The same proportion spend lunch having sex. more.

Mini 9/11s
#76. More than one BILLION birds crash into buildings in the US every year. Mirrored office blocks are a particular hazard.

Stupid Holiday Drunk Tricks
#39. More Brits die each year falling from their hotel balcony than do in diving accidents, according to Foreign Office statistics.

Gimme More
#18. There are 75 withdrawals from cash machines every second in the UK. (how many are actually legal withdrawls?) more.

*****

In case you were wondering, Houston is the Fattest City in America.

Krazy Kim Strikes Again
"People who wear other's style of dress and live in other's style will become fools and that nation will come to ruin." --Nodong Sinmun newspaper

You have to give General Kim Jong Il credit, not even the Christian nutters that litter the ideology of the Bush Administration have spoken out against long hair yet, but North Korea, having discovered the enemy within, are now making an effort to kill it.

That enemy is bad haircuts.

Pyongyang television started the campaign against long hair last autumn with a five-part series in its regular TV Common Sense programme.

The programme allowed men aged over 50 seven centimetres of upper hair to cover balding.

It stressed the "negative effects" of long hair on "human intelligence development", noting that long hair "consumes a great deal of nutrition" and could thus rob the brain of energy.

Men should get a haircut every 15 days, it recommended.

The North Korean Barbers Union is said to be ecstatic.

*****

Someone with FAR too much free time on their hands decided to dial the infamous 867-5309 number of "Jenny" using all the area codes of America. via Fimoculous

*****

Fancy yourself a linguist? Have a go at reading the News in Spanglés via the ever-enticing growabrain.

*****

Happy to find yet another confrère in the War on Celine Dion. The Best Page In the Universe says: "I didn't think it was possible for me to hate Celine Dion anymore than I already did until I saw the cover of her newest album and accompanying calendar for the modern "grrrl power" super-bitch who finds solace in Dion's brash self-righteous smuggery. Alas, I used some restraint and narrowed the list down to eleven."

Here they are:

*****

Religious Nutters Spring From Their Pods In England

Bad enough that the anti-Evolutionist, pickup-driving, white-hood-wearing, anti-sex-and-nudity-spewing, Bush-loving, gay-bashing, freedom-of-speech-defying, hate-mongering right wing lunatic fringe of Christians have destroyed America, now their filthy tentacles have wriggled their way into the BBC as they piss and moan about the BBC's screening of Jerry Springer - The Opera offending their fragile little religious sensibilities with a little sex, foul language and blasphemy.

Of course, as is the case with all religious freaks, it wasn't sufficient to simply exorcise a little democratic privilege of protest, they deemed it necessary to threaten BBC staff as well for good measure. What's next Fatwas for Jesus?

A BBC spokesman has told Reuters "BBC staff and their families have received a significant number of abusive and threatening telephone calls, some of which have been reported to the police as criminal matters."

Numerous calls were made to top executives and some were answered by their children. The corporation is now intercepting the calls before they reach the excutives homes.

The more rational and freedom of speech-loving National Secular Society defended the BBC's right to screen the programme, urging the BBC not to give in to "religious bullies".

Vice-president Terry Sanderson said: "This organised attack is the latest of a series of attempts by religious interests to control what we can see or say in this country."

Desultory Turgescence believes that all fundamentalists of all religious denominations should be beheaded. That way they won't have to hear or see any offensive images or words ever again and their delicate sensitivities won't be violated any more.

Praise Jesus.

Beer Bottle

In the burned-
out highway
ditch the throw-

away beer
bottle lands
standing up

unbroken,
like a cat
thrown off

of a roof
to kill it,
landing hard

and dazzled
in the sun,
right side up;

sort of a
miracle.



--Ted Kooser. Current Poet Laureate of the United States, from: *Sure Signs: New & Selected Poems*. U Pittsburgh.

Selecting A Reader

First, I would have her be beautiful,
and walking carefully up on my poetry
at the loneliest moment of an afternoon,
her hair still damp at the neck
from washing it. She should be wearing
a raincoat, an old one, dirty
from not having money enough for the cleaners.
She will take out her glasses, and there
in the bookstore, she will thumb
over my poems, then put the book back
up on its shelf. She will say to herself,
"For that kind of money, I can get
my raincoat cleaned." And she will.

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM DESULTORY TURGESCENCE!

2,000 Dead Swedes Can't Be Wrong

Westboro Baptist Church, made famous for their picketing of the funeral of Mathew Shepard, the young college student brutally murdered in Wyoming in 1998, have issued a flyer which Thanks God for the Tsunami and 2,000 Dead Swedes.

Apparently, the motivation is in believing the 2000 dead Swedes were all gay vacationers and all deserved the wrath of God for being gay.

*****

if you're curious, this is what 135,000 dead look like, via growabrain

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Perhaps in deference of the certain deluge of vacationers, Bob's offers a Tsunami Suite. Just note there is "significant" air traffic noise and eroding beach. Otherwise, A-Ok.

And c'mon folks, it's not like this has never happened before. There's even a Tsunami Museum.

Be careful, Tsunami Bomb is loud.

Ahead of their time, Tsunami Addiction even has a spitting room.

Lost remote offers tsunami videos and assorted miscellania for those of you fascinated with those sorts of things.

*****

Poësie

Ok, had enough yet? Have your fill of tsanami this and tsunami that in your gob? If so, it's time to move on to the poetry kit to play with.

If not, well, sate the insatiable somewhere else.

In the meantime, chew this Sylvia Plath bone for the New Year:

New Year on Dartmoor

This is newness : every little tawdry
Obstacle glass-wrapped and peculiar,
Glinting and clinking in a saint's falsetto. Only you
Don't know what to make of the sudden slippiness,
The blind, white, awful, inaccessible slant.
There's no getting up it by the words you know.
No getting up by elephant or wheel or shoe.
We have only come to look. You are too new
To want the world in a glass hat.

*****

Good news for the Ukraine! In case you missed it in watching the tsunami death toll rise or in calculating US Aid, Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich resigned.

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Last o' the year Stuff:

My regular read, The Whole Wide World of Fat Buddha has a nice year-ending listing of his personal favourites.

Maud Newton provides the literarti the literary news and the The Literary Saloon provides The Year That Was.

50 Quid Bloke provides The musical year in review: very quickly.

Fimoculous is the ultimate list of Lists for 2004. Hours of unfettered fun.

Wonkette has a list of New Year's Resolutions of the Famous-for-DC.

Watching myself watching television watching television watching television, Radio Free Blogistan offers its Favourite Blogs of 2004.

Plenty of lists, just not enough hours in the day.

Best of luck in 2005 to readers and un-readers, writers, doers, and most importantly, lip synchers.

DEAD, DEAD, DEAD

Well we at Desultory Turgescence have heard enough about the dead people and we've heard the word TSUNAMI more times in one week than the entire collective lifetimes previous so

CAN WE GIVE IT A FUCKING REST?

As a tribute to the Gods of Shut The Fuck Up, we leave the following as a New Year's gift. Read the words. They most certainly must be better than the newspapers'.


Small Change
(Got Rained on with His Own .38)
Tom Waits


Well small change got rained on with his own .38
and nobody flinched down by the arcade
and the marquise weren't weeping
they went stark-raving mad
and the cabbies were the only ones
that really had it made
and his cold trousers were twisted,
and the sirens high and shrill
and crumpled in his fist was a five-dollar bill
and the naked mannikins with their
cheshire grins
and the raconteurs
and roustabouts said buddy
come on in
cause the dreams ain't broken down here now
now ...they're walking with a limp
now that

small change got rained on with his own .38"
and nobody flinched down by the arcade
and the burglar alarm's been disconnected
and the newsmen start to rattle
and the cops are tellin' jokes
about some whore house in Seattle
and the fire hydrants plead the 5th Amendment
and the furniture's bargains galore
but the blood is by the jukebox
on an old linoleum floor
and it's a hot rain on 42nd Street
and now the umbrellas ain't got a chance
And the newsboy's a lunatic
with stains on his pants cause

small change got rained on with his own .38
and no one's gone over to close his eyes
and there's a racing form in his pocket
circled "Blue Boots" in the 3rd
and the cashier at the clothing store
he didn't say a word as the
siren tears the night in half
and someone lost his wallet
well it's surveillance of assailants
if that's whatchawannacallit
and the whores hike up their skirts
and fish for drug-store prophylactics
with their mouths cut just like
razor blades and their eyes are like stilettos
and her radiator's steaming
and her teeth are in a wreck
now she won't let you kiss her
but what the hell do you expect
and the Gypsies are tragic and if you
wanna to buy perfume, well
they'll bark you down like
carneys... sell you Christmas cards in June
but...

small change got rained on with his own .38
and his headstone's
a gumball machine
no more chewing gum
or baseball cards or
overcoats or dreams and
someone is hosing down the sidewalk
and he's only in his teens

small change got rained on with his own .38
and a fistful of dollars can't change that
and someone copped his watch fob
and someone got his ring
and the newsboy got his porkpie Stetson hat
and the tuberculosis old men
at the Nelson wheeze and cough
and someone will head south
until this whole thing cools off cause
small change got rained on with his own .38
yea small change got rained on with his own .38

God Still Stronger Than Terrorists

In a vain attempt to prove to the world that he is still a greater killer of human beings than any terrorist or groups of terrorists, God created a Special Xmas Present to Asia in the form of an earthquake and resultant tsunamis that killed at least 15,000 people.

A video posted by Heaven yesterday purported to show yesterday's earthquake and tsunamis as an act by "your loving creator" to prove to other nonbelievers that God is still the ultimate terrorist.

The man dressed as God in the center reads a statement describing how and why the attack of earthquake and tsunamis was be carried out.

"On or about christmas, the operation will be carried out. Let Bush, Blair and even the terrorists know that whilst they aim to kill as many of my creations on earth as possible, only I am the greatest killer of all!

Witnesses in the eastern Sri Lankan port city Trincomalee reported God blowing 14 meter (40-foot) waves hitting inland as far as a kilometer (0.6 miles).

The Sri Lankan government declared a state of emergency, and, along with the government of the Maldives, has requested international assistance, the United Nations' Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs reported.

A White House statement, issued aboard Air Force One en route to Texas from Washington, said "the president expresses his sincere condolences" over the "terrible loss of life and suffering" caused by God in using earthquake and tidal waves that hit six countries to spread his message of being the greatest terrorist facing mankind.

"But God loves us all," President Jesus Bush continued "and is only trying to teach us to be humble before him."

Hopefully, the terrorists on both sides of the equation will get the message.

Chimp Signed Condolence Letters

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has decided to personally sign condolence letters to the family members of U.S. troops killed in action rather than letting a chimp affix his signature.

Republican and Democratic members of Congress criticized the embattled Pentagon chief on Sunday for not signing the letters himself all along.

"My goodness, that’s the least that we could expect of the secretary of defense, is having some personal attention paid by him," said Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., noting that President Bush at least holds the pen for the chimp when the chimps signs his letters.

"If the president of the United States can find time to hold the pen for the chimp, why can’t the Secretary of Defense?" Hagel, a Vietnam veteran, asked on CBS’ “Face the Nation.”

In a statement Friday, Rumsfeld announced the change in policy and said more than 1,000 condolence letters had gone out to relatives of Americans killed in military action during the global fight against terrorism.

"It isn't my fault these troops are dying too fast to sign these letters myself," Rumsfeld complained bitterly at an impromptu press conference. "I'm a busy man. Maybe if our boys in Iraq were doing a better job of staying alive, there wouldn't be so many condolence letters to write and I could sign them myself." Rumsfeld said in the statement.

"I am deeply grateful for the many letters I have received from the families of those who have been killed in the service of our country, and I recognize and honor their personal loss," he said. "But really, what's dead is dead. Does it really matter if I sign the letters or a chimp signs the letters?"

The statement, which was reported Friday by the military newspaper, Stars & Stripes, did not specifically refer to troops killed in Iraq, though family members of soldiers who died there told the newspaper they were angry with Rumsfeld’s signature that appeared like a child's scribbling and letters which were covered with chimp excrement. More than 1,300 American troops have died since the war began in March 2003.

Messages left with the Pentagon about the criticism from lawmakers were not immediately returned Sunday. The Pentagon is busy fighting a war and doesn't have time to answer to anyone.

Sen. Jack Reed, D-R.I., a West Point graduate, said Rumsfeld’s failure to sign letters himself until now displayed "his lack of leadership styles that are appropriate for the military. Perhaps we should have the chimp act as Secretary of Defence. He certainly can't do any worse..."

Rep. Roy Blunt of Missouri, the third-ranking Republican in the House said on CNN’s “Late Edition” that "signing the letter is a mechanical but an important thing. If a chimp signs the letter, even a chimp who appears concerned about the rapidly mounting death tolls in Iraq, it just isn't the same as having Mr Rumsfeld sign them."

The signature flap was the latest in a stinging string of criticism in recent weeks of the defense secretary’s handling of the war in Iraq.

Several leading Republicans, including Hagel and Sens. Trent Lott of Mississippi and John McCain of Arizona have said they have lost confidence in Rumsfeld and that the chimp should replace him.

But Rumsfeld, who agreed to Bush’s request earlier this month to remain in the Cabinet during the president’s second term, won a vote of confidence from Bush chief of staff Andrew Card on Sunday.

"Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a spectacular job," Card told ABC’s “This Week.”
"If he misses a letter or two, well, that's why the chimp is there. Fighting terrorism is hard work and if you don't like a chimp signing your condolence letters, then maybe you'd better just give up now and let the terrorists win."

Meanwhile, President Jesus Bush defended Rumsfeld and said he was "a very caring fellow."

"I have heard his voice and seen his eyes when we talk about the danger in Iraq and the fact that youngsters are over there in harm's way," Bush said at a White House news conference. "He loves Jesus and he loves chimps and he hates terrorists and that's all that really matters."

The Wedding of Everything

Today looks much like
the rest: simple,
a handy kind of day,
a meat and potatoes day.
The bright buildings of the past
are launched upward
into an unrumpled sky,ordinary
beyond our wildest dreams.
Personality takes off
into the blue. No mail
today: things: everything
groping towards us
like 3-D. Oranges
as orange as crayons.
A moldy piece of bread.
Junk. And the birds
will sing sing sing.
I can almost understand
a day like this.
My troubles seem so puny.
Delicious day, I will eat you up
like a mountain of white cake,
chunk by chunk.
I got new shoe laces.
My feet slip into my shoes
over and over again.
So easy. Everything
pleasing me, sliding down
my throat(those soft
boiled eggs) the way I slide
into this day. CRACK!
That's what I mean.
CRACK! the way a baseball
smacks a bat. And THUMP,
the way it snuggles into a mitt.
A day is as a day does,
and this day, like the rest,
is leaving, and everything
grows sleepy.
The sun rises into a place
in the sky, and leaves;
and behind it leaves
a blind spot:
the purple sun, blooming,
cut down and tossed like a bouquet.
Congratulations, everything.

Bob Flanagan, _The Wedding of Everything_, 1983.