dinsdag, april 19, 2005

PSST! THE NEW POPE IS GERMAN!

John Ratzinger is the new pope.

Better hurry up and get your Cardinal Ratzinger paraphenalia whilst it still lasts.

First I thought they said they'd elected John Ratzenberger as the new pope and I thought wow, he's come a long way from Cheers.

But no, this guy is known as the Panzerkardinal. Well, that sure beats some dumb nickname like Pope John Paul. Not only that but the new pope was "forced" to join the Hitler Youth when he was 14 and later drafted into the German Army.

He's been busy since then but apparently had enough time to listen to the Beatles and doesn't like rock and roll:

Rock 'n roll, as well as heavy metal music contains "subliminal" evil
influences and is repleat with "diabolical and satanic messages" according to
a leading official of the Roman Catholic Church. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger
made the remarks yesterday at a mass in Rome commemorating the feast of St.
Cecilia, the patron saint of music. Ratzinger is Prefect of the Congregation
for the Doctrine of the Faith, the modern-day version of the Office of the
Holy Inquisition; the London Times describes the Cardinal as "the highest
moral authority in the Vatican after the Pope, at whose side he has been for
almost all of the latter's 18-year reign. His stern admonishment and even
excommunication of dissident theologians has earned him a fearsome
reputation."


And of course, as befitting the role, he isn't too keen on gay people either:

"In a message about Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith who is responsible for enforcing church law requiring priestly celibacy and is against ordination of homosexuals as priests, a South African bishop allegedly wrote: "Kill him? Pray for him? Why not just f*** him? Any volunteers - ugh!"

Don't ask me how or why, but there's a John Ratzinger Fan Club already. See if you can figure it out...

And here is about all you need to know about him, if you haven't had enough yet.

Wow, I thought the fan club bit was over the top but someone else has a bloody New Pope Blog up.

Someone even wrote a biography about him when he was just a measely Cardinal.

Not everyone is chuffed. This guy ponders Could the Next Pope Be a Nazi?

The new pope was born in Marktl am Inn, in Bavaria, Germany. looks like you'd better wait for the weekend to visit.

The new pope and the old pope were not on the same page!

I couldn't find many good pope jokes so since Ratzinger is German, how about a few

JOKES FROM GERMANY:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

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